Smokey Eyes

This week has sucked on so many levels, it isn't even funny.

Monday: Frantically finished a grant that had to be postmarked the next day.
Tuesday: The post office was closed when I got there, the person I needed to meet at the site didn't show up, horrible meeting with all these important people. I don't know if I can accomplish what I set out to accomplish.
Wednesday: Sudden wave of homesickness that came out of nowhere. Spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom crying. Hung out with my neighbor that night, which lead to....
Thursday: Me fighting all day with my boyfriend. Mind you, this fighting took place in between going to the emergency room with a severe allergic reaction. The rest of the day I was drugged up beyond all recognition.
Friday: Realized I was supposed to be at a very important meeting last night, but had it writen down for another day.

This weekend needs to be great. No more fighting with my boyfriend, no more emergency rooms, no more shitty people.

As for work, I'm going to wake up on Monday and just dazzle people with my capabilities. Yes, next week I'll get em.

Every day when I wake up, I play a fun game.

It's called where the hell am I?

Since June 1st I have spent time in Tennessee (a night), Georgia(five weeks, on and off), Washington (16 days), Michigan(two weeks), Illinois(9 days), and soon, Alabama (for the next year).

This wrecks havoc one's sense of home and really messes with your head when waking up in the morning. One day in Michigan, I woke up and thought I was still at Lake Forest College in my dorm room. In actuality, I was in the basement of a church sleeping on an air mattress.

Then, when I was back in Georgia I fell in love with a guy, and I spent about half of my time staying the night at his apartment. Really, in the past few months, I have slept in 10 different beds.

So it's easy to understand why there is some confusion when I wake up.

But I've developed a test for waking up.

First, I put my arms out to the sides and see what size bed I am sleeping in. This helps differentiate between bed and air mattress/cot.

Once I have determined bed or cot, I figure out what size bed I am in. This usually involves patting down the area around me. If I don't find Jason next to me, I know I'm either in Americus, GA or at home.

From there, I guess.

This morning I guessed Americus, and was so confused when I woke up to see I was in my room at home. I didn't know when I got there, how long I was there for, or how long I was staying. It took me five minutes to gather what was going on.

I move to Alabama in a week and a half, and I can't wait to have some stability. It's comforting to think I won't have to play this guessing game anymore.

So I was taking a look back at some old entries, and everything that i've written for the past year has been gloom and doom (when I seldomly update). But you know what, right now life is pretty great. Let me explain....

I was handed a job as a RA for this school year. Yeah, it's in one of the notorious party dorms, but I think it will all work out. Training has been rather hectic because I'm still working to plan orientation, but it has still been fun and interesting.

Then there is orientation. It's kind of cool being in charge of a program so large. I'm sure there will be minor freak-outs throughout the week, but I can't wait for it all to get started! The first week of the school year with all the festivities is always a blast.

Also, there's my love life. I've been dating a guy in the Army for the past 5 months and I couldn't be happier. We get along so well and he truly cares about me. I'm quite lucky to find a guy like him.

So this is it...this is the way my last year of college is starting. I'm happy, I love my life, and I can't wait for it all to start. This is the last time I'll help freshmen move in and participate in all these activities, but I'm looking forward to the rest of my life starting. There's so much that I have to figure out this year, but I can't wait to spend the time figuring it out.

I got out of bed. This is a start. I have big plans to go to jewel. I'm going to put my ipod on, get a starbucks, and buy myself flowers, because you know what, i think i deserve them. then i'm going to come back here, find a shirt that makes me look hot, and i'm going to do my make up, and go out in the world and make myself matter to someone, even if it isn't myself.

and then at the end of the day, when i can take off my brave face when scott is here, i'm going to cry. and its going to be ok.

is this what being broken up with feels like?

I was looking at everyone's away messages, and it all has to do with work. Here we are, poor college students trying to make some money but all that ends up happening is working for a lot less than anyone should make and spending our days in a monotonous day of 9 to 5. Whats the point? We have our whole lives to work. Why is it that our precious moments of freedom are taken away by some evil slave driver at a dead end summer job?

I have no TV.
I have no Fridge.
I have no Roommates.

Living in this room alone is quite possibly the most depressing thing ever. Everyone has packed up to go home for the summer. I have packed up, and have stayed put. I'm moving Monday morning across campus. So pretty much I'm stuck here with nothing going on. I'm bored. I'm lonely. and I can't encourage my workaholic ways because there is nothing to work on.

I think I'm teetering on the verge of insanity.

can someone draw me a map back to what my life used to be?

I've been thinking about life in the sorority.

I feel like I let down my family by joining, and have come up with this ass backwards idea that I have supplemented 34 alive sisters for my one dead one. Granted there might be a portion that I don't particularly care for in the sorority and my big isn't as cool as my real big sister. Sometimes they are really there for me, and other times they're not. Sometimes we do crazy things like I used to do with my dead sister. I don't trust the good portion of the girls like I used to my big sister. I can't go to them with my problems the way I used to with Emily.

I just want my sister back.

tomorrow is the six year anniversary.....cause that didn't come out of no where.

these anniversaries are just a complete mind fuck. i am happy, yet i feel guilty that i am happy and that i have been able to move on with my life. i feel like i should just mope around and be a pain in everyone's ass. i got an e-mail from the president of my sorority saying that i looked sad at chapter last week. well i was. some parts of my life are just complete shit.

Ok, so i'm back at school.

I'm only taking three classes this semester, which is cool i guess. i guess i'll have some time to gather my sanity.

I hate my roommate. I hate my suite. I hate everything about this living situation. I hate living here.

Because I hate this room so much, i have yet to spend a night in my own bed here. I spent the last three nights at Tom's. this is bull shit. i'm so uncomfortable here that my room and board money is going to waste. I dread having to come back here cause I don't want to see her.

my boyfriend is quite a guy. i don't think i've ever loved this much.

yesterday was my sister's 28th birthday. thats 6 birthdays that she hasn't been here to celebrate. i went to the cemetary, hovered over here grave, and cried. i cried for everything. i cried for her not being here. i cried for her not being around to get married and start a family. i cried because i miss her so much. i cried because i need her big sister advice. i cried because i'm lucky enough to have people here to support me. (minus my roommates that is)

now i'm back here, and i have class in an hour with Professor Krantz. ugh.

is this going to get any easier?

so, on top of hating her....

she smells

i just want to go back to school :(

Ok, at about this time next year, will someone remind me to not get my hopes up about christmas. i hate the inconsistencies about the holidays in my family. easter this year sucked. thanksgiving was good. christmas is bound to be a waste.

the reason i'm so upset? because i have no family and finally i thought i would be welcomed to another family, and then i was rejected. i'm not good enough for their son. i'm not what anyone wants under their christmas tree. i'm just an obligation. and apparently i have no feelings either, because i've obviously been upset the last few days, but that doesn't matter.

so what do i do? when i have to be social, i'll put on my happy face and go about the day. when i'm alone, i'll sit there and wonder when will i ever be happy?

He gives hugs out of no where
He loves his mother and his sister
he takes care of you when you're sick
he gets just a little bit jealous of my guys friends
he stays awake to cuddle
he doesn't change the subject when i talk about kids
he tells me i look great without makeup on
he drives slower when i ask him to
he has a job
my job is every bit as important as his
he dislikes people who are mean to me
he stays with me even after my most embarrassing moments
He'll tell me "No, you're not fat" as many times as it takes
he doesn't blame his childhood
he thinks
he has a great voice
he kisses it and makes it better
he's not overly sensitive
he's showed me nerdy old pictures
he doesn't mind if i haven't shaved my legs
i get hugs and kisses almost every day
he remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and special days
he has female friends
he'll stay up if i can't sleep
his touch sends shockwaves through me
i find myself smiling whenever i think of him
he's got a clean record
i would have dumped him in high school for being too nice
he's a one woman man
he calls when he says he will
he respects me
every time is like the first time
he's everything i've ever dreamed of
he's the best thing that's ever happened to me
i can tell him anything
he makes me feel alive again
he can laugh at himself
he'll drive hours to see me
his gifts have more meaning than price
he supports my decisions
who he is inside matters more than what he is on the outside
it just feels right

he makes me believe in true love

I'm really down on the whole relationship thing right now.

I was just thinking about it, and women really have the short end of the stick. Ok, so let's say a woman out there meets Mr. Right, a modern day prince charming. Chances are that he's a little older than her, but thats a positive thing because then they're at the same maturity level.

so this woman falls in love with Mr. Right and they get married and have lots of sex and babies, then watch their babies grow up. soon its retirement time.

and then Mr. Right, her modern day prince charming dies because men have shorter life expectancies than women. Then what? she's left all alone.

so really, in all this, if Mr. Right is really out there, whats the point?

I had a dream about my sister last night. I tried so hard not to wake up this morning because I just wanted to talk to her so bad. but you know what? I didn't get to because my roommate walked in, started crinkling candy wrappers, and woke me up.

motivate me. i gotta get myself out of this bed.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

I was babysitting the other day, and Dylan asked what I had to do that day. I listed my activities including class, homework, activities, and babysitting that afternoon. He very innocently asked me, "megan, do you think it would be easier if you got around to it?" i replied,"Yeah, I think I'd be able to...." although I was rather perplexed at his phrasing of the question. He ran into his room, ripped off a little piece of paper in a circle and wrote "tooit" on it.

He gave it to me as he walked out the door to go to the bus and said,"There, now you have a round to it, have a good day!"





On a side note, everyone is beligerantly drunk. i fucking hate my suitemate sometimes.